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Tuesday, 07 September 2010 11:29

Written by Diana Nelson Jones

Good morning, and thank you for tuning in for this life-changing announcement. As your new commander in chief, I am taking America back to the future.

Effective today, I am issuing a moratorium on all new parking lots and a government takeover of all parking operations in America. Revenue from parking lots will be reinvested in mass transit — bus systems, high-speed rail and intra-city trolley systems where they may pertain.

I’d like to speak specifically to cities such as Pittsburgh, which I have saved from making the mind-numbingly short-sighted mistake of giving up its ability to charge for parking... about as ... as ... as short-sighted as selling a private company your liens.

We must embark on a visionary trajectory, not only to reduce emissions and dependence on fossil fuels but to provide safe, affordable, democratic and equitable ways for Americans to get from place to place. We will give local governments and developers less-than-zero incentive to encourage new housing further and further on the fringes of cities.

Starting today, we will begin shifting all transportation funding to upgrade urban rail lines and increase stimulus dollars to create a national high-speed train system. In this pursuit, we will be hiring thousands of people to be engineers, builders, operators and other personnel in the service of mass transit customers.

One of our first steps will be to audit current transit systems to ensure maximum efficiency, eliminate waste and corrupt practices. Once they are deserving of subsidizies, these systems will be able to improve bus service. All buses will run on electricity.

When we have high-speed trains criss-crossing the country and reaffirm good, affordable bus service, I will reverse federal prohibitions on states that want to toll roads. In fact, all roads will become toll roads. States will collect the money and must invest it in amenities and support that ensure successful mass-transit operations.

Further, hauling rigs will be banned from highways, requiring trucking companies to switch to rail.

Those of you who drive a personal automobile will be driving only because you want to, not because your choices are limited; therefore, you will pay increasing amounts to park, both at the meters and in government lots, which, by the way, we will allow to crumble. You may soon be parking at your own risk.

When these lots become rubble, we will recycle the rubble into pebbles that line railroad beds.

These measures will be undertaken in time to ensure that port authorities, such as the one in Pittsburgh — not to pick on Pittsburgh — do not have to eliminate bus services that people depend on. Many among us do not have the luxury to decide to ride the bus. They have no other way to get to work, to check on a sick parent or accompany a child to violin practice. When we curtail the movement of so many people, we essentially maroon them.

We must not, and we will not!, allow the poor and the frugal among us to be marooned. If your line of work is in the polluting industries, the clean-energy train is about to leave the station. Get on board: You don't want to be marooned.

Before I lose the next election, I will also begin severing the head of King Coal and investing the ungodly sums we have been spending on war in sustainable energy manufacturing systems. Hundreds of thousands of people who are now unemployed or underemployed can be trained to participate in the green-energy economy, which will include jobs that other nations outsource to us.

We will make these strides during my presidency. When the greedheads try to change things back, you will vindicate my brief tenure as your leader by rejecting their dirty world.

.......................................We return you now to your regular program........................

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