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Note: The following is a "play-by-play" account of last night's episode of '24/7: Penguins/Capitals Road to the NHL Winter Classic." We caught the 2 a.m. airing of the show. Our account is timestamped from that point:

2:05 a.m.: Following an opening introducing the series, a montage of the always amazing drive through the Fort Pitt Tunnels towards downtown is intermixed with footage of Penguins equipment manager Dana Heinze hanging the players' jerseys in their stalls. That's joined by a "It's a Hockey Night in Pittsburgh" from Mike Lange.

2:06: Prior to a game against the Maple Leafs, Dan Bylsma gets into the vulgarity parade. "Let's grind these _____ down here, eh. Two, three four full pinch the first full time out. Kuny, you ready to ____ get on that guy? Good cause your going."

Bylsma then reads off the team's starting lineup by number. After every number, the players yell in unison, "Ohhhh!" then clap.

2:07: According to Liev Schreiber, Crosby has "at 23 years of age, he's already won every major trophy in hockey."

We suppose HBO definition of "major" is a little different, but Crosby didn't win the Calder Trophy or the Conn Smyth Award. Yes, we're being nitpicky hockey geeks.

2:08: Crosby's mustache is even more creepy in HD:

2:09: Deryk Engeland and Toronto's Colton Orr are shown fighting. Both exchange a few vulgarities. We'll score each with one. Following the fight, we get footage of Engelland getting some stitch work near his eye.

2:10: Afterwards, Engelland is shown in the locker room with his teammates. Kris Letang kids him, "Engell, next time take a tough guy."

Bylsma then says, "Nice job Engell, ____ right!"

2:11: The show shifts focus to the Capitals.  Boudreau actually address the presence of HBO in the team's locker room and how much different the Penguins' locker room much be during a winning streak in comparison to the Capitals' locker room and their losing streak.

2:12: Following a loss to Toronto, Boudreau is heard in the locker room ripping his team's defense. Ironically, Capitals defenseman Mike Green, whose play in his own zone has always been... well... um... questioned... is shown with this really dopey look on his face:

-Boudreau then says: "We let them _____ coming into our barn and score three goals in the third period!"

2:13: While addressing how he can motivate his team during an interview, Boudureau says, "I'm getting texts from my friends saying 'Skate them til the puke. That's what they did in 'Miracle!'"

2:15: Bylsma talks about his facial scars from his playing career. Regarding one on his upper lip, he says it reminds him that he was a hockey player.

2:18: Matt Cooke's role as an agitator is addressed. He tells Marc-Andre Fleury "___ off!" And his mustache isn't much better:

-And yes, we intentionally paused our DVR at just the right moment to get a shot of him making that stupid face.

2:19: The team's "Moustache Boy" tournament is brought up. An unknown Penguin drops an expletive as the tournament is shown. Paul Martin ends up losing the tournament must grow a mustache for the month.

2:20: As Cooke is sown in the team's change room getting ready to shave, HBO manages to get one of the Penguins' bare backside. Do. Not. Want.

Note: Greg Wyshynski of Yahoo! identifies the naked Penguin as Deryk Engelland.

2:21: Cooke's shaving leads to a segway of Washington's Ovechkin shaving in his underwear. Do. Not. Want.

2:22: Following, a brief montage of Ovechkin's career, several of the Capitals are shown skating at the National Mall. A young fan unabashedly asks Washington forward Nicklas Backstrom, "Two in a row you lost?"

2:23: The recent trade of defenseman Scott Hannan from the Avalanche to the Capitals is brought up. Hannan and his wife are shown house-shopping in Alexandria, Va.

2:24: Maxime Talbot's house on the South Side is shown. He talks about living in Pittsburgh. "I love this city. I love this team. I just love it here."

2:25: During the team's holiday party at Consol Energy Center, Talbot is shown roughing around with Cooke's children. He says: "Matt Cooke's kid just speared me. Right on the shin. I'm like 'What are you doing? Oh wait. You're Jack. You're Matt Cooke's kid. You play the same way as your dad.'"

2:26: Mike Rupp attempts to place one of his children on the lap of a Santa Claus. The kid fusses and walks away crying. Talbot then sits on Santa's lap and whispers, "I want for Christmas, your two little helpers," referring to two young ladies assisting Santa.

2:27: A meeting between Bylsma and Ray Shero is shown. While reviewing a recent game, Bylsma brings up Cooke, The exchange goes:

Bylsma: "Cookie, didn't like his game.

Shero: "How's he been recently?"

Bylsma: "His line hasn't been great."

Shero: "They weren't very good the other night either, where they?"

Bylsma: "No, that's why I got Cookie at a two. Made three or four bad decisions with the puck."

-The two then bring up the possibility of recalling Dustin Jeffrey from Wilkes-Barre/Scranton.

2:28: The show shifts back to the Capitals. Boudreau drops a "What the ____?" on the bench during a game to the Panthers:

2:30: With his team down 1-0 to the lowly Panthers at home, Boudreau takes a big lead in the expletive count as he rips his team in the locker room during the first intermission: "I have never seen a bunch of guys look so ___ down when something bad happens. What are you guy? Like prima donna perfect that if you can't ___ handle adversity? So ___ not going right! It's not ____ working the last 10 days!  ___ get your ____ out of your heads! And ___ make it work by outworking the opposition. You kill two ___ men and then we stand around and watch while they ___ score here. ___ you come to the bench like ___ this and when the power play's not working so you're trying to stick handle. You're looking like this and not standing. Outwork the ___ guys. If you want it, don't just think you want it! Go out and ___ want it! But you're not looking like you want it! You look like your ___ feeling sorry for yourselves! And nobody ___ wants anybody that's feeling sorry for themselves! You got 20 ___ minutes! You're down by one ____ shot! Surely the ____ we can deal with this!"

-Wow. Lee Elia or Bobby Knight would be jealous of that.

2:31: We believe Brooks Laich is shown in his stall saying: "I'm sick of this ____ ____."

2:32: As the Panthers score again, Boudreau pounds the glass and bellows another expletive.

2:33: Two expletives from an unknown Capital are heard.

2:34: The show shifts back to Pittsburgh and Pascal Dupuis' home and family. While driving to Iceoplex at Southpointe in Canonsburg, Dupuis jokes about Crosby," He's always behind me. He's a slower skater than I am. He's trying to catch up to me all the time."

2:35: While walking through the players' lounge, Dupuis says, "___ you Geno."

2:35: During a practice, Bylsma tears into this players," The last drill we did was ____. Our brains weren't in it. Execution was ____."

2:37: As Fleury calls Talbot a pseudo-bad word for a feminine hygiene product on the team's plane (we'll count that as half a swear word), "Right Back Where We Started From" by Maxine Nightengale is played, seemingly as a tribute to "Slapshot."

2:38: As some members of the team are dining at a Buffalo restaurant, Fleury, Cooke, Eric Godard and Brent Johnson are shown at the hotel moving every piece of furniture from the room of Mark Letestu and Ben Lovejoy to the hall way. Letestu immediately blames Cooke as he returns to the locker room.

2:39: The show returns to Washington. Several of the Capitals players are sent home due to a virus.

2:44: During a game against the Avalanche, Capitals forward Alexander Semin crosscheck Colorado defenseman in the head. Ovechkin discusses the penalty handed out to Semin with an official. The exchange goes as this:

Ovechkin: "What he cut him?"

Official: "Yeah. Cross cheked him right here. And he's ____ cut wide open."

Ovechkin: "Well he probably has sensitive skin, no?"

2:45: After the game, another loss, Boudreau is pleased with this team. Great ___ game and you didn't get rewarded for it. But that's sometimes what happens. And you can't get discouraged by it. You got to ____ push through this little thing and when it does, you'll already be you have to be all the time. So don't get discouraged. I know its ___ tough, but you played a great ___ game. "

2:46: The scene shifts back to the Penguins and Buffalo. Dustin Jeffrey, fresh off a recall, is focused. As is Evgeni Malkin's wonky knee.

2:48: Bylsma is shown offering a pregame speech. "Pittsburgh Penguin ice hockey. Dictate the game. Physicality and where it's ___ played and how we want to play it. Until the 65 or 60 minutes is up, then we get the ___ out of here."

2:49: After a save by Fleury, Bylsma is heard on the bench, "Good ___ save!" When Jeffrey scores his first goal of the season, someone on the Penguins' bench says, "Good ___ play."

2:50: During an intermission, Talbot says, "Every ___ detail matters here." As the team returns to the defense, another unknown vulgarity is heard.

2:51: The show move back to the Capitals in New York to face the Rangers. During the intermission, Ovechkin drops a curse word.

2:53: As the Rangers take a 3-0 lead, the Capitals a call at time out. Boudreau goes nuts. "You're looking ___ defeated. We're looking ____ defeated right now! Show some ___ courage and ____ play the game the properly. You'll score three ___ goals! I'm sick and ___ tired of losing! Lets get our ____ ____ out there!"

And of course, Rangers forward Brandon Dubinsky scores immediately. Boudreau "You're ___ kiding me!"

2:54: After dropping New York defenseman Dan Girardi with a hip check, Ovechkin jumps Dubinsky in the neutral zone. The two fight. The fall to the ice. One says, "Good job buddy." The other says" Yeah, good job buddy." Then Ovechkin gets up and screams at his bench, "____ come on for ___ sake!"

2:55: Capitals forward Matt Hendricks is in the box with Ovechkin and says, "___ right"

2:56: With Boudreau apparently over his quota of swear words, assistant coach Dean Evason steps up, off camera, "It's a ___ joke. Some of you guys never ___ get in a pushing match or a ____ face wash because you're not even close to the ____ battle. When are you guys going to grab your ____ ___ and do something about it. ___ compete! Just get in someone's ___ face! Our best ____ player is fighing! The greatest player in the world. Someone grab their ___ ___ and compete please."

2:58: Bylsma makes one last vain attempt to get back into the swearing battle, "Keep the ___ peddle down!"

Unoffcially, here is your swearing count:

Penguins (Swear words)	Capitals (Swear words)
Dan Bylsma (9)	Bruce Boudreau (35)
Unknown (3)	Dean Evason (11)
Matt Cooke (1)	Matt Hendricks (3)
Pascal Dupuis (1)	Alex Ovechkin (3)
Deryk Engelland (1)	Unknown (2)
Maxime Talbot (1)	Brooks Laich (1)
Marc-Andre Fleury (1/2)
Total (16 1/2)	Total (71)

Others offering swear words: Colton Orr (1), Referee (1).

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